To Melanie

So I posted this somewhere and now I caused problems....fuck my life...so now its here

So today I was thinking a lot…it passes the time…anyway so I got to thinking about my boyfriend and my new best friend Melzy baby, or as some know her Melanie. I realized something, there are a few different people who are said to be very similar to me.

My boyfriend Andrew said we’re very similar…and Melzy and I both agree we’re very similar. Today after thinking about it I came to a sort of weird and strange conclusion that is possibly threatening. I want to warn you guys I’m about to get deep here.

Okay so first of all how me and Andrew are similar. We like the same music, we like the same women, we find ourselves in coincidental situations, we have similar interests. We’re the kind of people that will be like, oh my favorite flavor of ice cream is chocolate (it’s not btw) and the other goes OMG MINE TOO!

Now Melzy and I are different. We were having another heart to heart today. It turns out we both pick one person to be our BFFL and don’t want to share them. Like we’ll let them hang with other people, but we expect that we will always pick each other above all others in every case. We both know its wrong but we can’t help it. Also, here and I are deeply contradictory in nature, leading us both to being confused and self conscious about who we are. An example for me being how I’m a social butterfly and love to party and hang out with people, but I actually hate most people for no good reason.

It just seems like me and Andrew aren’t actually similar at all, we just share common interests. Me and Melanie seem to be….very similar in our cores, in the values and personality traits and such that actually make up who we are. I mean obviously there are things that are different about us, but we share some very particular and odd quarks that are just too special and unique to not understand that if someone shares such a thing with us its special.

We’re really close even though we never talked about 2 weeks ago or so. I feel like, if Melzy ever said to me one day that she actually sort of liked girls even a little, I would jump her bones so fast she wouldn’t even be able to breath. Its not even that I’m physically attracted to her, because I’m not really at all. I mean obviously I don’t think she’s ugly, but she’s not beautiful. And she is a lil on teh chubby side, but meh. When I think about Melanie I feel like she’s someone I can confide anything in, I can whisper my deepest secrets to her and not worry, we can be together forever. I’m afraid to tell her how deeply I seem to be attached to her, because I don’t want to worry her or put pressure on her.

I mean I like Andrew and I thought him and I had a special connection that was better and perfect. But this was before I knew Melanie. I just feel so….safe with her. I feel like I want to steal Melzy away from all the evil in teh world and protect her and take care of her. I want to be like…okay this seems weird, but I wana be her man. I wana carry her bridal style, I want to come home to see her, I want to talk with her for hours on end, I want to protect her from everyone else and make sure she’s never upset. I feel…protective….

But like I said I’m not actually attracted to her because I’ve accepted that she’s straight and I can’t lust over something I’m not physically attracted to. Its actually a good situation, because as of now I’m fine with being just friends since I can get my fill of her as her friend (seeing as I dont want a physical relationship with her). But of course if she offered I’d rock her world.

Now this makes me feel really bad because if she did offer and I to accept, does this mean I’d drop Andrew? I mean I know she never will because she’s not confused or anything about herself (darn it). She knows she’s straight and that isn’t changing. But can I ever hope to achieve this sort of love with anyone else? Can I be okay trying to create a realtionship with someone that I know can’t live up to what I have with Melanie? (even if it isn’t mutual).

Now there is someone else in my life who I love to my very core, but the fact is there is a little selfish narcasim invovled with my love of Melanie. THe thing is she’s SO LIKE ME, we share such similar beliefs that I feel safe talking to her because she’ll always agree, but not like a blind agreement, but like two birds of a feather finally flocking together (or however that goes, haha). I couldn’t explain it unless you’d experienced it. But back to the topic, there is someone else I love to my core, that being Big Brother, but its like him and I are two different people, that is very obvious. He is the most amazing person I know, but like I said we are two individuals. With Melanie I almost feel like we’re two halves of a hole that is sepparated.

Wow, I’m getting kinda weird here aren’t I? Talking like someone who’s going through intense unrequited love…oh wow oh wow, what is wrong with me…meh!

I’m going to chill right now so I don’t seem even more crazy…I’m just so confused now