Fuck College

Okay so I can't bare to talk about what happened with colleges... so I'll just post this now very ironic and too depressing to reread poem I just got in the school paper

The Academy Road

Dreams

This is the post I was too afraid to post before...

My conscious mind doesn't think about you. My conscious mind doesn't worry about you. My conscious mind doesn't miss you.... but obviously my subconscious mind does.

I've had a few dreams about you since you left. I really hate them...
I dream about the past and future, of good times already spent and a future I'll never have. I wake up feeling destroyed and empty. I go through the day feeling rejected and alone.

My conscious mind can't get rid of the photo of us... but it also can't even glance at the faces still smiling behind the glass.

My subconscious mind compares others to you. My subconscious mind tends to drift off, wondering what you're doing (or who). I can't handle to even say your name out loud...

I want to hate you... I want to be able to blame you for wanting to end it... I want to take the easy road out and just turn my back on you as if you'd been in the wrong. But even my conscious mind knows that you did nothing wrong...

Something has to give... and I'm afraid its going to be me

Thanks to a certain Academy boy I can't stop thinking about recently, I haven't really been worry about any other boy... so I guess that's a plus?

I Had an Idea

I was going to blog about you... but I lost the nerve... I'm too afraid to look weak.

SO INSTEAD... small China preview!

Final Realizations

It really sucks when you finally realize you're not special to someone any more...

On a lighter note, it also really sucks when you're so tired in school you fall asleep during your free instead of watching an episode of Dexter, tehe

p.s. MY EYEBALLS HURRRRRT

Romance Novels at Night

That should be a new book title...

So I only got 1 hour of sleep last night because I stupidly started to read a romance novel at 12am... yeah, stayed up 4.5 hours with that one (but I finished it).

Sadly, the stupid book was about this angel who falls for a harpy (a match certainly NOT made in heaven). She in turn falls for him, and after they eventually sort out their differences (that takes a lot of fighting) they come to fall equally in love with each other. But, both their societies damn such a match, angels are not welcome among her harpy sisters because angels KILL harpies as their job. Harpies are not welcome in heaven, seeing as they are the spawn of Satan.

BUT they eventually learn to accept this fact too, and they decide their love means more than what anyone else in the world (heaven and hell included) would think of their love. He risks falling from heaven and having his wings torn off and she risks.... well I suppose just being shunned (it doesn't get much lower than coming from hell).

Now this... made me very angry. For my own personal reasons I was like SHUT UP YOU STUPID BOOK LIFE NEVER WORKS OUT LIKE THAT.... I found myself being very very bitter about the whole thing. It was a great book (well short story) but it kept me up for 15 minutes muttering and cursing life and the people in it (well not all of them, hehe).

Oh well! Time to read some not romantic novels that end depressingly so I can feel better about my life ^_^

First Blog from Home

So huzzah, my first real blog from home about non-China things... here we goooo

So do you ever feel like you're losing control? Specifically, I used to feel like I had an influence on people and relationships, that I could get involved with who I wanted, stay away from who I wanted and act how I wanted.

But lately I've just felt like everything is catching up to me, and instead of being the puppet master, I feel like the puppet. I'm controlled by my wanton emotions, which only grow more grotesquely dynamic each day. I find myself lost now that I can't plan on how things are going to turn out. I used to take a lot of pleasure in having new guys to flirt with because I had so much control on something like that. Now that there's only one new boy in my life since the beginning of the year (excluding my Chinese lover/husband/pen pal) I feel dreadfully useless.

I mean I know I shouldn't be looking to manipulate relationships, and I should be glad things are mutual and honest between me and my friends... but I dunno without my old habit of constantly finding new guys to flirt with, I feel like my personality has weakened, that I'm not as sure of who I am any more.

This sounds a lot more depressing than I feel right now, I'm actually in a very good mood! I dunno this was just something that popped into my head. It came out rather emo-ish, even though I feel content and happy right now... hnn...

I'm baaaaack

And with lots and lots of worthless Chinese goods! lol
I plan to picture and chronicle them all XD

Also I decided to keep my travel blog in its original location, with a few tweaks to one post, lol

also in case you missed it!

http://sorachan.travellerspoint.com/

China Trip Day 1

Okay so I didn't sleep last night... I had to wake up at 3am, so I didn't see much point in it... of course go figure I'd end up having no chance to sleep for hours on end. I'm still sitting in Albany International, even though I left my house at 4:30 in the morning.

I....am....EXHAUSTED.... I just need sleep... I can't stand it

The sun is rising cuz its almost 7am, and its so painfully bright and killing my eyes...

This trip is starting off miserably, I just wanna be on our plane to China, but no we still have to go to NJ. And once we're in NJ, we have a 4 hour layaway or w/e they call it... ARGH....

I hope there's internet there so I can blog more.... *dies*

GENDA GENDA GENDA

So today was the first of 3 days of lobbying and demonstrations for GENDA, the Gender Expression Non-Discrimintation Act

Basic Description of GENDA

We went to lobby the senators, which was really really awesome. It was good experience too. Then we stood outside in the cold for a really long time shouting our lungs out about GENDA, trying to pass out fliers (pictured below)




The SUPER NIFTY posters we had (and I got to keep one!)



Us outside of the legislative office (yes I somehow took the one picture with the least people in it, haha)


So I'd write more about it, but I'm busy packing for China, so I really don't have time... it was pretty much pro... we'll be on the 11 o'clock news on channel 10, I'm going to watch it then maybe update this post...

Also, I'd link you to the soon to be online videos/pictures of the event, but I'm not sure they'll be up tonight, so I'll get those when I come back from China...

Nightmares

So I keep having this nightmare (twice now) that I'm eating meat on purpose. It's terrible! The guilt kills me during these dreams, I hate it. This time I was eating a hamburger, just straight up eating a normal hamburger. I knew it was meat (obviously) but somehow I couldn't stop myself. This doesn't make any sense though, I don't even LIKE hamburgers in real life... argh I hate these dreams... I wake up rather upset :-/

China!

So here's the thing... as you should know by now, I'm going to China on Wednesday, and I don't come back till Saturday the 20th....

I won't have internet or phone access in China... well I can call people, but its REALLY expensive. I'll try to borrow the teacher's internet and blog about my trip as it happens, but we'll see.

If I can't blog as it happens, I'll still write a blog for each day and then just upload them one a day for the next 10 days after I get back...

I'ma miss all you guys!! <3

Motivational

Anyone get this? I doubt you will, but you'll die when I reveal the big secret