Pissed at life

I'm sorry to anyone I'm rude to tonight, but the whole mother thing and life in general has me in such a pissy mood.

Have you ever found a drink or a food you just LOVE so much, its like you cant get enough of it. But then after like months and months of eating/drinking nothing but that you find yourself suddenly so disgusted by what you once loved, you can't even go near it.

Well that's me with my school right now. I'm sick of the small school drama, being constantly surrounded by bitchy, shallow, and stupid women. I'm sick of the teachers, the building, the rules, everything! Walking on campus literally brings up a feeling of disgust, something I've never felt before for my school. I literally try to avoid everyone but my 2 female friends. I don't even like any of the male friends. The one guy who I thought I could get along with really well, I found out is a gay-hating republican... go figure....

I just have no idea what to do, and there really isn't anything to do, and YES I KNOW, I'm almost in college and once I'm there I wont have any problems like this.

Well gee, I'm almost dead too, and I wont have a single problem then, but that doesn't make it any easier now.

Wah, I should be happy about life because I finally have a purpose, and yet I just find myself feeling more lost and miserable than ever before....

Anger

So today on the way home from school I had the most horrible conversation with mother. She's very uncomfortable with me being so involved with this whole gay activism thing. Well tonight I found out its not cuz she hates the gays or anything. She's actually just really afraid I'll become known as that kid... the gay liberal activist... and that I wont get a job/get into college/make friends/etc. She's afraid I'll be hurt or arrested.

Now while on first thought this sounds amazing. Its not that she's against the cause, she's just afraid that because so many OTHER people are against it, I'll only cause trouble. But as we kept talking, I became really disappointed in her. I accused her of having a stagnant life where she doesn't do much of anything. She said, of course, I'm only living life so I can enjoy it. Taking care of you kids is about as far as I'll extend my helping hand, so to speak. She said, I'm not gay and neither are my friends, so why bother fighting for something that doesn't affect me. And I ask her, well why did you donate to the Haiti relief thing, that obviously doesn't affect you at all. She had no answer of course. It really isn't that gay rights don't affect her, its that she deep down doesn't think its that important.

She also said that, as I mentioned, she doesn't see the reason do have a purpose in life other than to live. I told her that I cant imagine living life without knowing that what I'm doing on this planet will at least affect someone else. That when I'm on my death bed, I can look back on my life and know I've at least tried to help the world. Mother is so religious that she's unable to understand how I can live without a larger than me force caring for me. So I figure she's understand my need to be a part of something bigger than me, but she condemns it as dangerous and a waste of time.

I asked her, do you ever stop and think 'why are we here' or 'what is my purpose in life' or something similar? She said, of course not, I'm too busy for that. Now that is something I just cannot except. Why are you living your life if its just for you and no one else? Why not just kill yourself now, its only going to happen eventually, and you're not going to help the world by being alive with that attitude. I mean I'm not saying everyone should go out and donate all their money to a cause, or give up their job to move to Africa or anything like that. I'm saying that people should at least care about something important, to at least know what they believe in.

I was just shocked and angered and confused... then of course she does her whole "we need to stop talking about this now" thing where she tries to suddenly drop the subject because she's just "too tired" to keep arguing. That KILLS me that she cares so little about this issue that she thinks its fine to just ignore it. I get pissed that she says she doesn't hate the gays, but hearing me talk about why I'm in this obviously makes her tired and cranky, and that's generally something you only see in someone who's AGAINST gays.

UGH she has me so pissed!!

Learning

I think I've learned a few things lately....

One sided relationships where only one person loves the other... never work.

also

Relationships where someone loves the other before they've been dating for at least a year or so, also never work...

I've noticed these trends in both my own and all of my friend's relationships. Love has to be something that grows over time, it has to be something that developed after a foundation has already been created. A relationship cannot be started or maintained at first by love, it (surprisingly enough) must be built on stronger stuff. If you love someone before you've known them for at least 4 months, then you don't really know them well at all. How can you love someone unless you know EVERY little thing about them? That isn't real love, and if you think you love someone after just meeting them, then good luck having a real relationship. If you can get over someone, then it wasn't love. Real love is devastating, real love is destroying, real love is more destructive than anything else in the universe.

Love is not when you really really like someone. Love is not when you like someone more than you've liked anyone else before in your life. Love isn't even being able to see yourself with someone in the future. Love is something that develops slow... starts off small, and grows into something truly beautiful. If the person you love doesn't love you back, then its like taking away the water from a plant, nothing can grow.

Also, you can never force yourself or someone else to feel love. And generally, real love is so rare, if you have a one-sided love, the most likely thing to happen is for them NOT to end up loving you back.

Anyway, this is what I think about it. You can all have your own opinions and totally disagree with me, but I just felt like typing this all out (it follows a conversation I was having). If you have a different opinion, why not blog about it?

Also, I'm too young to really understand love, but I accept that I could never really understand love... and I just hope that's enough for now