Anger

So today on the way home from school I had the most horrible conversation with mother. She's very uncomfortable with me being so involved with this whole gay activism thing. Well tonight I found out its not cuz she hates the gays or anything. She's actually just really afraid I'll become known as that kid... the gay liberal activist... and that I wont get a job/get into college/make friends/etc. She's afraid I'll be hurt or arrested.

Now while on first thought this sounds amazing. Its not that she's against the cause, she's just afraid that because so many OTHER people are against it, I'll only cause trouble. But as we kept talking, I became really disappointed in her. I accused her of having a stagnant life where she doesn't do much of anything. She said, of course, I'm only living life so I can enjoy it. Taking care of you kids is about as far as I'll extend my helping hand, so to speak. She said, I'm not gay and neither are my friends, so why bother fighting for something that doesn't affect me. And I ask her, well why did you donate to the Haiti relief thing, that obviously doesn't affect you at all. She had no answer of course. It really isn't that gay rights don't affect her, its that she deep down doesn't think its that important.

She also said that, as I mentioned, she doesn't see the reason do have a purpose in life other than to live. I told her that I cant imagine living life without knowing that what I'm doing on this planet will at least affect someone else. That when I'm on my death bed, I can look back on my life and know I've at least tried to help the world. Mother is so religious that she's unable to understand how I can live without a larger than me force caring for me. So I figure she's understand my need to be a part of something bigger than me, but she condemns it as dangerous and a waste of time.

I asked her, do you ever stop and think 'why are we here' or 'what is my purpose in life' or something similar? She said, of course not, I'm too busy for that. Now that is something I just cannot except. Why are you living your life if its just for you and no one else? Why not just kill yourself now, its only going to happen eventually, and you're not going to help the world by being alive with that attitude. I mean I'm not saying everyone should go out and donate all their money to a cause, or give up their job to move to Africa or anything like that. I'm saying that people should at least care about something important, to at least know what they believe in.

I was just shocked and angered and confused... then of course she does her whole "we need to stop talking about this now" thing where she tries to suddenly drop the subject because she's just "too tired" to keep arguing. That KILLS me that she cares so little about this issue that she thinks its fine to just ignore it. I get pissed that she says she doesn't hate the gays, but hearing me talk about why I'm in this obviously makes her tired and cranky, and that's generally something you only see in someone who's AGAINST gays.

UGH she has me so pissed!!