First Blog from Home

So huzzah, my first real blog from home about non-China things... here we goooo

So do you ever feel like you're losing control? Specifically, I used to feel like I had an influence on people and relationships, that I could get involved with who I wanted, stay away from who I wanted and act how I wanted.

But lately I've just felt like everything is catching up to me, and instead of being the puppet master, I feel like the puppet. I'm controlled by my wanton emotions, which only grow more grotesquely dynamic each day. I find myself lost now that I can't plan on how things are going to turn out. I used to take a lot of pleasure in having new guys to flirt with because I had so much control on something like that. Now that there's only one new boy in my life since the beginning of the year (excluding my Chinese lover/husband/pen pal) I feel dreadfully useless.

I mean I know I shouldn't be looking to manipulate relationships, and I should be glad things are mutual and honest between me and my friends... but I dunno without my old habit of constantly finding new guys to flirt with, I feel like my personality has weakened, that I'm not as sure of who I am any more.

This sounds a lot more depressing than I feel right now, I'm actually in a very good mood! I dunno this was just something that popped into my head. It came out rather emo-ish, even though I feel content and happy right now... hnn...