Boys

Okay so its really late (not exactly, but after getting 3 hours of sleep for the past 3 days in a row I'm about ready to faint) and I feel like shit... BUT... I had this on my mind today, and I couldn't go to sleep without relating it to you guys.

So I think I've begun to understand my attraction to a lot of boys but only for short amounts of time. In fact, I came up with the perfect analogy.

Boys to me are like a piece of music. You work really hard to get it right, practicing it every day (this being equivalent to flirting). At first it isn't that fun, just work, but you keep doing it because simply playing the piano (flirting) is fun for you. Eventually you start to get better at it (the boy starts to notice you), and you feel really confident, really good. You can see your hard efforts paying off. From then on in, you're still working, but its really fun because you can see the results of your effort. Eventually, you learn the song well enough to play it almost perfectly (winning the guy). At first its the most amazing feeling in the world, nothing could compare. Being able to play that song flawlessly with all the little subtle accents and dynamics is the ultimate rush (for realz).

But after a while, the song gets boring. There's nothing left to learn about the song, so its just repeating the same thing over and over, start to finish. It stops being fun, no matter how much you liked the song. The song didn't change, but then again that's the problem. Without new music to learn, it's almost pointless.

If you leave it alone for a while then come back to it, you can squeeze out a little more of that fresh and wonderful feeling, but it'll never be the same.

This, I realize, is basically how I treat both boys and piano (lol). I love the chase, I love trying to get a guy to like me, I LOVE the flirting and going back and forth without a relationship. And I'm always aiming to make a relationship, even if I don't want to date. That's the whole point of flirting. You don't practice a song just to skip the performance and stop short of learning it perfectly. But, once I get to the point where I've gotten this boy to like me back, it goes down hill from there. Its kind of like a plan forever doomed to fail.

Now, when I can't play a song well, after trying and trying and trying... or when I flirt with a boy who just doesn't really return my feelings or is totally dismissive of them, I get frustrated beyond belief, I get emo and sad and overly emotional, almost to the point of giving up. But I know I can't, because in the end I want nothing more at that moment than to play that song. In my mind I've convinced myself there isn't another song in the world that is more beautiful.

But somehow, after you master a song, it seems less difficult, you forget how hard it was to learn in the first place (you forget the chase). So you move on to the next song (or boy), looking for a new challenge.

I think that's how I view boys, more or less... I'm not sure what else to say but yeah... this kinda means I'm fucked...

I can only hope sooner or later I will find that song that'll never get boring, or well... find me that boy that I can settle down with.

P.S. This also explains why the 2 boys I've liked more than any other were also the ones who rejected my feelings at one point or another... because they both prevented me from achieving my goal, the "chase" never ended. Well... for one of them the chase did end, but we split up and somehow the chase started all over again. So yeah... once again I'm screwed if its really true I can only like boys who don't return my feelings *rolls eyes*